Drew Towler

Gen X // IQ 140 // Autistic // Apatheistic // Misanthropic

I’m Drew Towler, formerly Andy Towler, legally Andrew Towler.

After hiding myself online for about 3 years, putting this site online is important to me. I’m “coming out” as an autistic man and an adult survivor of child abuse. I’m also rejoining social media but mainly to bring people here.

Read on for a potted life story (so far).

1 // Homes

After growing up in Sheffield, England, I spent the first 20 years of adulthood in the East Midlands, before emigrating to Malta to get some distance from my parents. In the end I spent an eventful 13 years in Malta, then moved to the Philippines in 2019 where I live with my wife and dog.

2 // Work

Aside from a few horrible years in HR, my work life has been all about software engineering, and after enduring many toxic workplaces and managers I went self-employed in 2016 as an IT consultant and developer. I'm now effectively retired but have kept my favourite clients because I love the work — creating websites and apps is something I will never tire of doing and I'm bloody good at it.

3 // Autism

I sit squarely on the Asperger Syndrome part of the autism spectrum. Growing up not knowing I was autistic was tough, and almost every memory of family, school, college and employed life is unhappy (like many Aspies I was severely bullied). I self-diagnosed my autism in my thirties but didn't get an official diagnosis for many years after that. I don't subscribe to all the neurodivergent superpower bullshit; autism is a disability and I would grab a cure with both hands.

To the psychologist who finally agreed with my diagnosis: thank you. To the Maltese counsellor and the Filipino psychiatrist that tried to gaslight me into doubting my own condition: fuck you. You have no idea how much damage you did.

4 // PTSD

I have Complex PTSD. Causes: an emotionally and physically abusive father, severe bullying throughout childhood and well into adulthood, and a subarachnoid hemorrhage (a type of hemorrhagic stroke) at the gym in 2011 which nearly killed me and stopped me working for 6 months.

Although I (mostly) recovered from the stroke, it made my CPTSD worse, and I'm now accustomed to living with hypervigilance, flashbacks, paranoia, insomnia, chronic fatigue and gaps in my memory. That's my normal. The stroke also started a long period of self-discovery which led me to move across the world and finally get the courage to sever all family contact.

5 // Addiction

My father (a functional alcoholic and born-again ex-smoker) encouraged me to start drinking at age 13, and I started smoking at age 16 to piss him off as a form of revenge for his behaviour towards me. At the time I felt it was my only weapon. It took me 30 and 35 years respectively to ditch these two habits, and it's entirely possible that between them they caused my stroke.

6 // Music

I learned piano as a kid. I felt inferior and insecure (with hindsight this was my autism), and thought playing an instrument might fix this. It didn't (duh). It got me into a rock band in my twenties which had its moments but was ultimately unsatisfying. These days I just listen – after the band dissolved I gradually lost interest in playing, and I no longer think of myself as a musician. But listening (mainly to progressive rock) is always a pleasure, and I still enjoy discovering new bands.

7 // Hobbies

I'm finally building the model railway that I always wanted but never started, because I never felt settled enough in the UK or Malta (moving a model railway between countries is not something I would like to try).

I'm a bookworm and don't really do TV or movies (can't sit still for long enough), though I do like watching the Drain Cleaning Australia Youtube channel. Honestly, you don't know what you're missing.

8 // Worldview

The world is an amazing place. I've seen quite a lot of it over the years. Every place I go, I see it being ruined by humans. The causes: greed, ego, religion and stupidity. It's always one of those.

9 // Now

So this is me. Asocial, a bit odd, heavily damaged but not entirely broken, and still here.

Sometimes I can hardly believe I'll soon be hitting my sixties. Then I look at my glaucoma and arthritis meds and my appointment for cataract surgery, and reality hits. It's time to make the most of life: my wife, my dog, and building our house on the 4.3 acre plantation we recently bought (the photo on this page will be the view from the terrace).

Is life good? It's definitely better than it used to be. Am I happy? No idea. You tell me how that feels and I'll tell you if I feel it.

10 // Contact

If you'd like to get in touch, click below to email me.